three days short of a year ago, i moved from singapore to germany in pursuit of my master’s degree, a thing i had been dreaming about since i was 23. i was turning 29 last year, on the other side of my saturn return and terrified of very inevitable failure. i was also burnt out, highly strung, and carrying a suitcase’s worth of shame and guilt from various things that didn’t entirely matter (in the grand scheme of things), but that i desperately needed to unpack and heal. all these things meant that i was having a very difficult time asking for help holding all of this, and being held.

the days started to stretch out in front of me, beautiful and slow and repetitive and relentless, and there was so much quiet. i had little company for my first three weeks beyond myself, and i was simultaneously grateful and fast realising that that was an opportunity for torment, or ruthless, cleansing reflection and growth. the year that has followed since, though different in that i’ve been lucky enough to find more people to spend time with, has otherwise been the same.

when caught in emotional riptides like that, helpless to do anything really but stay afloat and take the lessons as they roll in, finding a center around which to balance everything, i write. the writing takes whatever form it will, and sometimes of course the form changes over time. and now, arriving at the very thing that this title teased, as if i was writing a food recipe throughout this post and needed to give you the iconic backstory that precedes every banana bread or ramen soup: through this year, i have been making lists about the things that i learned or needed to hear the most, almost like i was talking to myself. and i have, too, developed a sort of habit of talking to myself as a means of self-soothing, being the person and comfort and safety that i need through things that feel difficult. some such lists follow —

nobody told me (about growing up):

• de-cluttering is emotional regulation.
• managing money involves emotional regulation.
• shame is relatively unproductive / unhelpful.
• you formed a shopping habit because you were using shopping to self-soothe. aka quitting your shopping addiction is emotional regulation.
• successfully manage your shopping habit for long enough and regulate the distressing emotions that give you that urge, and you will find that consuming things at the rate you were consuming them feels really not-soothing actually.
• you internalised a lot of stuff and blame that people never meant for you to internalise. doesn’t mean the feeling is not real, just means you can stop holding onto it.
• if you go back in time and tell little jo things are going to be okay at the moments you remember feeling great hurt, sometimes it works tremendously.

be protective of:

• personal time (it’s okay to miss out; you actually are really happy on your own)
• the quality of food you eat (you are so happy when you eat well)
• time not doing work (you are so much happier when you don’t make corporate work your entire personality)
• things you like (don’t automatically feel ashamed just because people don’t agree, they’re not judging you babes like whatever you like it’s cool i promise)
• your comfort, when travelling especially. you need a nice toilet.
• the pace you need for work and travel and doing things. it’s okay to be slow.
• your relationships (don’t be telling everyone about it before you’ve had time to process and decide how you feel. stop trying to figure out how you should feel from other people.)
• your space to process things. figure out how you feel on your own by THINKING and listening to yourself not by talking to people and being a sponge.
• niceness (not everyone needs it from you, and the opposite of niceness doesn’t have to be being mean. you can just be kind, leave people alone, and let them leave you alone)
• your space from people. it’s not wrong to want to be alone and to enforce it when you are at zero…even when people you love want to spend time with you and you want to spend time with them too.
• your right to be loving and expressive, and to have and show big emotion!!!!
• things that make you feel good. 
• FEELING GOOD. 
• things you need to feel and do and ways you need to feel and do it. 
• the security you give yourself. don’t invalidate or underestimate how valuable this is.
• the space you need to think before talking. it’s okay to take awhile, you don’t have to reply or answer fast or at the same volume or even with the same energy that people bring to you. it’s not mean to take awhile to gather your thoughts and figure out how to articulate them properly and clearly. 

these lists grow all the time. i haven’t stopped writing in them. i’ve just also been listening to myself, and taking the time to dwell in the quiet moments when my brain doesn’t feel the need to prove that it can be insanely productive. the moments when it’s just me and my hands and the meal i’m making myself, or the hat i’m crocheting for my best friend. i’m going to return to the corporate world in 1-2 years depending on how lucky i get, and it’s going to be hard, but i’m going to try my very hardest to stay true to the version of myself i’ve found lately, who takes care of me and is learning how to be unafraid and honest again. i hope you find a way to too, if you need.